Top things you can say to discretely pass for Jesus

You're a jewish carpenter.

Your ex used to be depraved but you saw the good in her and changed her ways.

At the dinner table say you're going to get more water and come back with wine. 

(You will need to be sitting at the middle of the table though.)

Honorable mention to: say you gave fish to homeless people, say that your dad isn't with us but that you love your stepdad, and disappear for three days and come back acting like nothing happened.